​ACT 1 SCENE 3

THE RECRUITMENT INTERVIEW

Front of curtain.

Sailors are queuing waiting for interview. A stuffed parrot is on a perch next to a chair, stage

left. Enter Flotsam and Jetsam, stage right.

FLOT:Is this the place that boy at the Admiral Bentbow told us to go to?

JET:                              I can’t see that sailor he told us about, but I can see a parrot.

FLOT:                           Well, these sailors can tell us if this is the right place.

Flot and Jet join the end of the line. Jet taps sailor in front of him on his shoulder.

JET:                              Excuse me, is this the queue to join the crew? (TURNING TO FLOT) Ooh, that rhymes.

SAILOR 1:                    Aye, (LOOKS FLOT AND JET UP AND DOWN) but looking at you two I don’t fancy your chances.

FLOT:                           Oh, I’m sure that nice Mr Silver will be very impressed with us.

SAILOR 1:                    (LOOKING VERY ALARMED AND GRABBING JET BY HIS COLLAR) What? Silver, you say?

JET:                             That’s right, Long John Silver.

SAILOR 1:                   Yar! I just remembered I left the iron on!

Sailor 1 quickly exits stage right.

FLOT:                          What’s an iron?

JET:                             Something to do with golf, I think.

FLOT:                          What’s golf?

Pirate 2 turns to Flot and Jet.

SAILOR 2:                  What be you two jabberin’ about?

JET:                            We were just wondering what an iron is.

SAILOR 2:                  It’s what I’ll be bashing you over the head with if you don’t pipe down.

FLOT:                         (NERVOUSLY) Sorry, we didn’t mean to annoy you. We’ll be quiet from now on.

JET:                            Quiet as mice while we wait for Long John Silver.

SAILOR 2:                  (GRABBING JET BY HIS COLLAR)) What’s that you say? Silver? Long John Silver?

JET:                            (STUTTERING) Th, that’s right!

Sailor 2 rapidly exits, stage right.

FLOT:                         I wonder if he left his iron on, too?

JET:                            When is this Long Johns going to get here?

Pirates 3 and 4 turn to Flot and Jet.

PIRATE 3:                 What’s that you just said?

PIRATE 4:                 Sounded like you said something about long johns.

FLOT:                        No, not long johns. Long John Silver.

PIRATE 3:                 (GRABS FLOT) Long John Silver?

PIRATE 4:                 (GRABS JET) He’s the one doing the recruiting?

JET:                            Yes. And I hope he comes soon. We’re not enjoying getting throttled every time we say his name.

Pirate three turns to remaining pirates and shouts.

PIRATE 3:                 Oi, lads! It’s Long John Silver who’s recruiting for this ‘ere voyage!

ALL:                           Silver!

All the pirates exit stage right, shouting, Flot and Jet look at each other, puzzled then move to the front of the line.

Enter Silver, stage left, carrying a bag and a wooden leg. He looks around.

SILVER:                    Where be everyone?

FLOT:                        We’re here.

SILVER:                    What? Just you two?

Jet looks around then counts himself and Flot.

JET:                          One, two. Yes, just us two.

FLOT:                        The other sailors had all left their irons on.

SILVER:                    Yar, you two don’t look much like proper sailors.

JET:                          Well, we’ve been on the Swan boats at Lechlade.

(Use the name of any local boating lake.)

FLOT:                        And I like a shandy.

SILVER:                    A shandy? What be that got to do with sailing?

JET:                           I think he means a shanty.

FLOT:                        Yes, that’s what I mean. I think?

SILVER:                    Hmm, I think I better be giving you a test of your seafaring knowledge.

FLOT:                        (WHISPERING TO JET) What’s he talking about?

JET:                           (WHISPERING TO FLOT) No idea! Just smile and nod your head.

They both give big, cheesy smiles while nodding. Silver puts his wooden leg on the table. 

JET:                           Er, why have you got that wooden leg?

SILVER:                     I keeps it ready in case I lose a leg. ((TO THE AUDIENCE) That be sort of inevitable in this job.

Silver pulls a book from his bag and reads from it.

SILVER:                     Right then me hearties, let’s see what you know about ships.

FLOT:                         I’ve got this one, Jetsam. (TO SILVER) They go on water.

SILVER:                     Yar, you’ll be needing to know a bit more than that. What’s the front of the ship called?

JET:                           Ooh, ooh, I know that: the pointy bit!

SILVER:                     Bow!

Flot and Jet both bow to Silver.

                                  Not that sort of bow! The front is called the bow.

FLOT:                        Well fancy that. (TO JET) You live and learn, don’t you?

SILVER:                    Right, what be the back end of the ship be called?

JET:                           Well, if the front is the bow, then the back must be the courtesy.

Jet does a courtesy to Silver.

FLOT:                        No, it’s the rear.

SILVER:                    Stern!

FLOT:                        (IN A VERY STERN VOICE) It’s the rear!

SILVER:                     No, no! The stern is the back of the ship!

JET:                           I don’t know if my brain can cope with all this new knowledge.

SILVER:                    Next question: where is the poop deck?

Flot and Jet nudge each other and snigger.

FLOT:                        Is it where we go to do number two?

SILVER:                     No, it ‘aint! It’s up at the stern!

JET:                           I’ve forgotten; is that the pointy bit?

SILVER:                     (ROARING) Bow!

Flot and Jet look flustered. They bow and courtesy several times.

                                  Right, let’s see how you get on with talking like a pirate.

FLOT:                        (MIMMICS PARRROT VOICE) Who’s a pretty boy? Pretty Polly. Pieces of 7.

SILVER:                     I said a pirate, not a parrot!

JET:                           I think he means pirate vocabulary.

FLOT:                        (LOOKING SURPRISED) Where did you get that word from?

JET:                           It’s in the script.

SILVER:                     Stop your prattling! What do, avast mean?

FLOT:                        (PUTS UP HAND) Ooh, ooh! I know! (POINTS TO RANDOM MEMBERS OF AUDIENCE) He’s got a vast                                       behind. She’s got a vast behind.

SILVER:                    No! 

JET:                           I know Mr Silver, sir! It’s like, avast that woman where the toilets are.

FLOT:                        (Giggling) On the poop deck.

SILVER:                     No, no! It means, pay attention! So, avast you two!

JET:                           You’ve asked us what?

SILVER:                    (GROANS) Right, let’s try another word. Capsize?

FLOT:                        Six and three eighths.

SILVER:                     Booty?

Flot and Jet point to their bottoms.

                                  Shiver me timbers.

JET:                           No offence captain, but I think you’re better doing that for yourself.

SILVER:                     Show a leg.

Flot and Jet roll up trousers or put one leg forward.

SILVER:                     Matey?

FLOT:                        What we put in our bath.

SILVER:                     Aye, aye.

JET:                           Ear, ear.

SILVER:                     Port and...

FLOT:                        Lemon!

SILVER:                     Nooo! Port and st…

JET:                           Stilton!

SILVER:                     Blow the man down.

Flot and Jet blow at Silver.

SILVER:                    Heave to.

Flot and Jet mime being sick.

SILVER:                     I’ve never come across two more useless pirates.

FLOT:                        Thank you, sir.

SILVER:                     Is there anything you two are good at?

JET:                           We know some jokes.

SILVER:                     You two are the jokes.

FLOT:                        Thank you again, sir.

SILVER:                     Yar, let’s hear some jokes then. It’s always a good thing to have a happy crew. But this is your last chance. If                                   you don’t make me laugh, then you’ll be walking the plank!

JET:                           I used to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.

Silver groans.

SFX:    Flint squawks a laugh.

FLOT:                        What’s a pirate’s favourite way to relax?

SILVER:                     I don’t know.

JET:                           Yogaarrr!

Silver yawns.

SFX:  Flint squawks a laugh.

FLOT:                        What is a pirates favourite letter?

SILVER:                     No idea.

JET:                           Rrrrrrrrr!

FLOT:                        Where do pirates buy their books?

SILVER:                    Go on.

JET:                           A second hand book shop.

SFX: Flint squawks a laugh.

SILVER:                    This is your last chance.   

FLOT:                        A parrot flies into pub carrying a fish. It slaps the fish on a bar stool and stands on it.

JET:                           “What’s with the fish?” The landlord asked.

FLOT:                        The parrot replies, “It’s my perch.”

SFX: Flint laughing.

FLINT:                       Give ‘em the job! Give ‘em the job!

SILVER:                    Yar, be you sure, Cap’n Flint?

FLINT:                       Yes, yes! Give ‘em the job! Give ‘em the job.

SILVER:                    Well, me hearties, you be hired. But listen to me and listen well; no one else setting out on this voyage knows                                   that I be a pirate and scourge of the seven seas. And that’s the way the way it stays, understand? This be a                                    voyage to Treasure Island and the treasure is going to be mine! Now if you know what’s good for you, you’ll                                    keep your traps shut. Understand?

FLOT:                       We haven’t set any traps.

JET:                          He means, keep your mouth shut.

FLOT:                       How will I eat?

SILVER:                   Enough of your jabbering! Just you remember that the others on this voyage think I’m a cook.

JET:                         You can count on us, Captain Cook!

SILVER:                   (HEAD IN HANDS) Urgh!