Jack and Jill and the Beanstalk

Looking for a script that’s bursting with comedy, music, and madcap mayhem? Then this is the one for you! Our version of the classic beanstalk tale comes packed with laugh-out-loud scenes, outrageous characters, and plenty of opportunities for audience participation.

✨ What’s in store?

Bunty the Dame: bigger, bolder, and butcher than ever, with enough frocks to fill a barn and enough sass to stop the Giant in his tracks.
Jack and Jill: the odd couple of panto land—he’s an idiot, she’s the clever one (and sings her way through the chaos).
Snotsleeve the villain: smooth, slippery, and utterly hissable—oh yes he is!
A golden-egg-laying chicken that never stops clucking, a grumpy talking harp, and a cow called Daisy who’s more trouble than she’s worth.
Plus an auctioneer who keeps his cool while everything collapses around him, a ballerina who’s anything but dainty, and a booming off-stage Giant who keeps the audience trembling (and laughing).

🎶 Two acts of non-stop fun 🎶

Act 1 sets the scene on Bunty’s farm, complete with straw bales, Daisy the cow, and a trip to the auction that goes hilariously wrong.
Act 2 takes us to the Giant’s castle, with oversized props, ridiculous talent shows, and Bunty’s unforgettable magic “sawing-in-half” trick (with her own legs!).

The story builds to a spectacular showdown, a triumphant escape, and a finale guaranteed to get the audience singing, clapping, and cheering

Have a read of this script sample and see if it's what you're looking for.

The actual script is formatted for a stage play.

SCENE 1

THE FARM

CHORUS UPSTAGE. DANCERS IN POSITION.

MUSIC: OPENING SONG AND DANCE

DANCERS EXIT STAGE LEFT. CHORUS LOOK STAGE RIGHT AS THEY HEAR THE SOUND OF A BOWLING BALL HEADING THEIR WAY.

SFX: BOWLING BALL AND JACK TUMBLING.

CHORUS 1: Look out! Jack’s fallen down the hill again!

SFX: JACK CRASHING ON.

EVERYONE SCATTERS AS JACK TUMBLES ONTO STAGE. HE COMES TO A HALT AND JILL RUNS ON FROM STAGE RIGHT. CHORUS GATHER AROUND JACK AND JILL.

JACK: (HOLDING HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS) Owwww! Ooohhh! Owww!

JILL: Jack! Are you alright? That was quite a fall you had.

CHORUS MUMBLE AGREEMENT AND REACT.

JACK: I'll be OK. It's not as bad a bump as the last (COUNTS ON HIS FINGERS) 7 bumps. (FEELS LUMP ON HIS HEAD)

CHORUS EXIT STAGE LEFT AND RIGHT

JILL: I still think you should go have it checked with the doctor. You can never be too careful with a bump to the head.

JACK: Aww! Do I have to?

JILL: Yes, you do. What about that nice Doctor Foster in Gloucester?

JACK: Him!? I'm not going to him. Last time I went with a bump on the head he told me to wrap it in vinegar and brown paper! And a fat lot of good that did. Instead, all I got was people coming up to me saying, "Fish and chips twice and easy on the vinegar."

Anyway, he's not in Gloucester anymore, not since he fell into a puddle.

JILL: (COYLY) Well, I could kiss it better for you.

JACK: Kiss it? What good would that do?

JILL: They say that a kiss from someone in love has magical healing powers.

JACK: That's all well and good, but you're not in love, are you?

JILL: Well...

JACK: Oh, go on then. (MOVING CLOSE TO JILL) It can't hurt to try it. (JUMPS BACK) Can it?

JILL: No Jack, it won't hurt at all.

JACK MOVES TO JILL AND LOWERS HIS HEAD WHILE JILL MOVES TO KISS THE BUMP.

SFX: ROMANTIC MUSIC AND PRE-RECORDED DIALOGUE FROM JACK AND JILL AS IF HEARING THEIR THOUGHTS.

JILL: Oh, my lovely Jack. If only you knew how much I love you. People may call you idle and silly but to me, you are the boy of my dreams. If only you would show some sign that you have feelings for me. I wonder what you are thinking right now.

JACK: Cor! Jill doesn't half have big feet.

JILL HOLDS JACK'S HEAD IN HER HANDS AND THEN PULLS AWAY.

JILL: There, does that feel any better?

JACK: (GENTLY STROKING THE BUMP) You know, I think it does! So, this must mean that you are in love. Who's the lucky boy?

JILL: Well, you're right, Jack, I am in love with a boy. And that boy is...

ENTER BUNTY, STAGE LEFT, SLOWLY WALKING BACKWARDS CALLING TO SOMEONE OFF-STAGE.

BUNTY: No, it is not me! How many more times do I have to say it? It's Daisy the cow! Not me! Daisy!

JACK: Who are you shouting at, Mum?

BUNTY: Yet another man trying to buy me!

JILL: Oh, had he seen the advert?

BUNTY: Yes! Yes, he has! How he could mistake me for Daisy the cow I just don't know. (PULLS OUT PAPER FROM CLEAVAGE) Look, it's as clear as day what it means.

BUNTY READS FROM PAPER ADVERT

BUNTY: For sale: one old cow.

JILL: Are you just using posters on trees?

BUNTY: Yes, why?

JILL: You should try using that on-line auction website from Yorkshire.

JACK: You mean, “Ee-by-gum-bay”?

JILL: That's the one.

BUNTY: Well, I'll try anything because we need money and we need it now. The Baron will be round to collect his rent for the farm today and we haven't got a bean.

JACK: That's not true, Mum. We've got a tin of beans in the cupboard.

JILL: She means money, Jack.

BUNTY: Yes, I mean money, Jack. We haven't got any. That tin of beans is all we've got left to eat.

JACK: A million housewives every day, pick up a tin of beans and say, Beans Means...

DAME: (Blows a raspberry)

JACK: Aww! I was going to do that.

BUNTY: I know. You do it every time we have beans. Before and after we eat them. Your father was just the same. Flatulent Frank people used to call him. Put a wind turbine behind him after he'd eaten sprouts and he could power a small town. Now, you’ve distracted me from what I was doing.

CHORUS 1 ENTERS STAGE RIGHT. CHORUS 2 ENTERS STAGE LEFT. THEY BOTH CARRY BASKETS.

CHORUS 1: Trying to sell Daisy the cow?

BUNTY: Yes, I am.

CHORUS 2: There’s an auction on in the next village today. Why not take her there to sell?

THE 2 CHORUS MEMBERS CROSS THE STAGE AND EXIT ON OPPOSITE SIDES.

BUNTY: That’s a good idea! Jack and Jill, go and get Daisy and take her to the auction. Someone is sure to want to buy her.

JILL: But she’s so sweet and gentle. She’s like part of the family. We’ll miss her terribly.

BUNTY: It’s no good getting all sentimental about her. It’s not like she’s always been with us, is it? She just wandered into the farm a year ago. So, off you go. And get a good price for her.

JACK: (RELUCTANTLY) OK, Mum.

JILL: Come on Jack.

JACK AND JILL EXIT LEFT. BUNTY MOVES UPSTAGE CENTRE.

BUNTY: (NOTICING AUDIENCE) Oh, hello everybody.

AUDIENCE ANSWER.

Oh dear, you don't sound very enthusiastic. Let's try and liven you up. I’ll shout, ‘Hello everybody!’ and you answer with a big, ‘Hello Bunty!’ Bunty’s my name, you see. Right. Hello everybody!

AUDIENCE ANSWER.

BUNTY: Ooh, that’s marvellous. What? You’re surprised I haven’t asked you to shout out another 27 times till I say you’re loud enough. Well, I can’t be doing with lots of repetition. I hate it when people repeat themselves. (TO A CERTAIN SECTION OF THE AUDIENCE) I say, I hate it when people repeat themselves. Now, as I said, my name is Bunty. My late, dearly departed husband used to have a nickname for me: Bouncing Bunty he called me. (BUNTY ADJUSTS HER HUGE BOSOM) He never told me why though. I mean, we never had a trampoline. But everyone just calls me Bunty these days. I live here with Jack, my son. Jack’s a lovely boy but, well, he’s proof that evolution can go in reverse. I mean, he couldn't pour water out of a boot with I instructions written on the heel. You might need to think about that one. Then there’s Jill who comes to help us out. She’s a wonderful girl. She’s fallen for Jack but he’s too dim to notice.

I’m expecting a visitor later. Baron Shufflebottom will be here to collect the rent.

BARON ENTERS STAGE RIGHT.

BARON: AH, there you are Bunty!

BUNTY: (TO AUDIENCE) Oh no! He’s come early: just like a man. I’ll have to distract him from asking for the rent. (TO THE BARON) Oh, hello Baron Shufflebottom. You’re a bit early today.

BARON: Yes, there is something I’d like to discuss with you. Something that I’ve been considering for quite a while.

BUNTY: (TO AUDIENCE) Oh no! He’s going to put the rent up. (TO THE BARON) We can’t afford it!

BARON: Can’t afford what?

BUNTY: (TO AUDIENCE) So much for distracting him from the rent. (TO THE BARON) We can’t afford an increase in the rent.

BARON: What? No, that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to discuss changing my name.

BUNTY: Oh, that’s a relief. Well, I can help with that. I’m a very creative person. But why do you want to change it? What’s wrong with Baron?

BARON: Nothing’s wrong with Baron. It’s the, Vastus Shufflebottom that I’m fed up with.

BUNTY: What’s wrong with Vastus?

BARON: No! It’s the Shufflebottom part I want to change. All my life I’ve been teased about my name, and I’ve had enough of it.

BUNTY: Well, what are you going to change it to?

BARON: Yours.

BUNTY: Bunty? I don’t think that’ll stop the teasing!

BARON: No, not Bunty. I mean your surname. You see Bunty, I have long admired you from a distance.

BUNTY: Oh, so you’re the chap in the bushes with the binoculars.

BARON: What? No, no, no! Well, sometimes. But what I mean to say is, I want to take care of you. I want to see you every day. I want to... marry you!

BUNTY: Oh Baron, you’ve taken me completely by surprise. (TO AUDIENCE) And not many men have done that. (BACK TO BARON) I would love to marry you.

BARON: Really?

BUNTY: Oh yes! I’ve always thought you were so handsome and manly and funny and romantic and (SHE PUTS HER ARM AROUND BARON) sexy!

BARON: That’s something I’ve always admired about you, Bunty.

BUNTY: What?

BARON: You can lie with a straight face.

BUNTY: So, does this mean that I don’t have to pay rent for this place anymore?

BARON: That’s right. From now on I shall be handling all your assets.

BUNTY: (WIGGLES AND GIGLGES) Cheeky.

BUNTY JUMPS UP AND DOWN

BUNTY: Ooh, I’m so excited. I can’t wait to tell Jack and Jill.

BARON: Right, it’s all settled. We’ll take your surname as our married name and no longer will there be jokes about Baron Vastus Shufflebottom. So, Bunty, what shall I be called when we are married? What is your surname?

BUNTY: Trump!

BARON GIVES A CHEESY GRIN TO THE AUDIENCE.

COMICAL MUSIC

BLACKOUT

CURTAIN